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If sometimes you can't hear me, (it's because I'm speaking in parentheses).

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What a nice night for an evening.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

My friend has false teeth - with braces on them.

Anywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I'm making wine at home, but I'm making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically.

I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday."

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

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