Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Profound, entertaining & memorable gems from Homer Simpson

A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds... it makes ice.

A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one.

All these guys with six pack abs, and I’m the only one with a keg.

American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how’s that for freedom of choice?

Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.

Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow.

But Dad, you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

Cable. It’s more wonderful than I dared hope.

Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?

Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can’t we all just get along?

Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

Donuts! Outta my way jerkass!

English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.

Even communism works. In theory.

Everybody makes mistakes. That’s why they put erasers on pencils.

Everything looks bad if you remember it.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.

God bless those pagans.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

He’s trying to hypnotize me, and it’s not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life’s problems.

Hey, we didn’t have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Homer no function beer well without.

How is education going to make me smarter?

How many pounds are in a gallon?

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colours before he invented the light bulb.

I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don’t I just lay down and die!

I have a great new motivation technique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You’re making a scene."

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

I never apologize, I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.

I think I’ve figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

I want the answers now or eventually!

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

I wish God were alive to see this.

I’d love to go to church, honey, but I’ve got a lot of work to do around the bed.

If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.

If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why’d he make them so tasty?

If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?

If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing!

If the Bible has taught us anything - which it hasn’t - it’s that girls should stick to girl’s sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.

If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

I’m not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

Internet. They have that on computers now?

Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

It’s like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

It’s not just a store - it’s a Megastore! “Mega” means good, “store” means thing.

It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.

I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.

I’ve got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.

I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don’t think guns are great then we’ll argue some more.

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.

Marge, it’s uter-us not uter-you.

Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.

Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

My favourite kind of wild animal is on a plate.

My wife’s not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.

Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?

Oh, Marge, whenever I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out. Remember that time I went to those duff brewery classes and I forgot how to drive?

Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.

See you in hell, dinner plate!

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

That horse had better win, or else we’re taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won’t get to come.

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.

There’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

They didn’t have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.

Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?

We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.

We can outsmart those dolphins. Don’t forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.

What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.

What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?

Whats this again? Apu: A napkin, sir.

When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn’t work.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

You know, my kids think you’re the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they’ve finally stopped dreaming of a future I can’t possibly provide.

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.

see also   Barthoven
Homer Song
Homer Escalator, Doh!
Little Johnny
Moses As A Lifeguard

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