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| How did the tree feel after the beaver left? |
Knawed so good. |
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| Why couldn't the chair be fixed? |
It would cost an arm and a leg. |
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| What do you call a worried turnip? |
An edgy veggie. |
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| What do you get from nervous cows? |
Milk shakes. |
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| What do you call someone who fixes pipes and plays in a band? |
A plumber drummer. |
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| What do you call a bird that lives underground? |
A mynah bird. |
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| What animal likes to play golf? |
A golf lynx. |
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| Where do snowmen put their web pages? |
On the winternet. |
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| Why don't mummies take vacations? |
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. |
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| What would you get if you crossed a witch with a gourmet chef? |
An eight-curse meal. |
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| Where do vampires keep their savings? |
In a blood bank. |
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| What happens when you sit on a grape? |
It gives a little whine. |
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| How does a trombone score a home run? |
It slides. |
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| Why don't geology teachers like modern music? |
Because they are squares. |
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| Why are violins the happiest instruments? |
Because everyone bows before them. |
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| What do you get when you put a facelift on a fish? |
A plastic sturgeon. |
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| What do bears wear in their hair? |
Bearettes |
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| Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? |
To get to the other bride. |
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| Why did the playground cross the road? |
To get to the other slide. |
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| What kind of hair do oceans have? |
Wavy |
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| Who did the science teacher give his Bunsen burner to? |
His old flame. |
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| Why is the school auditorium like a children's toy? |
There's always assembly required. |
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| Why was the jump rope thrown out of school? |
It kept skipping classes. |
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| Why couldn't the flower go to school on its bike? |
The peddles were broken. |
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| What do lazy students do for the school play? |
They understudy. |
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| How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? |
Two. One to turn it and one to overturn it. |
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| How did the student do in fractions? |
He wasn't half bad. |
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| Where is the best place to find books about trees? |
In a branch library. |
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| Where do cats like to go on vacation? |
The Canary Islands. |
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| Where is the ocean the deepest? |
At the bottom. |
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| When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave? |
Rust in peace. |
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| Why did the fish miss the English class? |
It got hooked on phonics. |
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| Why did the shy rock go to the Doctor? |
It wanted to be a little boulder. |
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| What kind of candy do kids eat at the school playground? |
Recess pieces. |
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| In what subject do insects get their best grades? |
A-gnat-omy |
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| What letter comes after "A"? |
All the others. |
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| What sickness do you get when you're tired of school? |
Class-trophobia |
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| Why did the fireplace call the Doctor? |
Because the chimney had the flu. |
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| What happens when frogs park illegally? |
They get toad. |
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| What did the riverbed say to the ocean? |
"My sediments exactly." |
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| How can you tell when a cat has been using your computer? |
The mouse pad is all chewed up. |
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| What do you call a ladder's kid? |
Its step child. |
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| What is the coldest colour of all? |
Brrrrrrrgundy |
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| What do you call a school where all the students are over six feet tall? |
A high school. |
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| Why was the math book sad? |
It had too many problems. |
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| Is there a silent C in Connecticut? |
No, but there's a noisy ocean offshore. |
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| What do you call a baby turkey? |
A goblet. |
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| What kind of joe-ks did Einstein like? |
Wisecracks |
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| What did the tennis team write for the school paper? |
A love story. |
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| Where do math teachers go to eat? |
The lunch counter. |
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| What does a ghost wear in the rain? |
Ghouloshes |
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| Where can you find a haunted beach? |
On the sea ghost. |
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| What do vampires eat at parties? |
Fang-furters. |
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| What did the ghoul eat with his soup? |
Dread and butter. |
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| Who was James Bond's spookiest enemy? |
Ghoul-finger. |
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| Where did the goblin throw the football? |
Over the ghoul line. |
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| What colour is Dracula's door? |
Ghoul-den. |
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| When does a graveyard romance start? |
When boy meets ghoul. |
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| Where do monsters study? |
In a ghoul school. |
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| Did you hear about the pig who started hiding garbage on Halloween? |
He wanted to do his Christmas slopping early. |
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| What do Italian's eat on Halloween? |
Fettucinni Afraid-o. |
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| What do canaries do on Halloween night? |
They go trick or tweeting. |
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| What would happen if you moved Halloween from the fall to the spring? |
You'd get April Ghoul's Day. |
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| Who did the gravediggers invite to their Halloween party? |
Anyone they could dig up. |
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| What do zombies like to eat at a cook out? |
Halloweenies |
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| What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween? |
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight. |
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| What do fashionable biology students wear? |
Designer genes. |
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| Who invented King Arthur's round table? |
Sir Cumference. |
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| Why did the witch go to the Doctor? |
She was having a spell. |
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| Why did the roofer go to the Doctor? |
It had a bad case of shingles. |
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| Why did the string go to the Doctor? |
It was a frayed knot to. |
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| What do you call a bear with no teeth? |
A gummy bear. |
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| Why did the optometrist go to school? |
To keep an eye on things. |
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| What did mama tomato say to baby tomato when they were crossing the street? |
Catch up! |
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| Why did the baker go to math class? |
To learn the value of pi. |
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| What letter, when added to a Royal male, turns him into a Royal female? |
Add the letter 'S' to prince and you get prince'S' (Princess) |
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| What vegetable was not welcome on Noah's Ark? |
A leek. |
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| Why do vampires have a high divorce rate? |
Things never work out when your love is in vein. |
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| What would you get if you crossed oxen with zebras? |
Steers and stripes. |
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| In France, if someone pretends to be your father, what is he called? |
A faux pas. |
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| What do beavers eat for breakfast? |
Oakmeal |
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| Why did the nail cross the road? |
He was bent on it. |
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| How are a bad boy and a canoe alike? |
They both get paddled. |
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| What do you call a soup made of vegetables and chewing tobacco? |
Spit pea soup. |
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| What never shows off about making honey? |
A humblebee. |
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| What is as annoying as a roaring river? |
A babbling brook. |
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| How does a broom act? |
With sweeping gestures. |
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| What do you do when the Doctor tells you you're iron-deficient? |
You take up nail biting. |
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| How do sailors get their clothes clean? |
They throw them overboard and they wash ashore. |
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| How did the Norse god take his temperature? |
With a Thor-mometer. |
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| What do you call someone who always tells you about his future problems? |
A misfortuneteller. |
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| How can you tell if your Doctor's a quack? |
By his large bill. |
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| What flower grows on your face? |
Tulips |
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| What do you call a guy who smells like fish? |
Poor sole. |
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| How is a burning candle like thirst? |
A bit of water ends both of them. |
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| What do you call a werewolf professor? |
A creature teacher. |
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| What fish is a bargain? |
A sailfish. |
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| What do people do in a clock factory? |
They make faces all day. |
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| What's the difference between an umbrella and a person who never stops talking? |
An umbrella can be shut up. |
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| How did knights make chain mail? |
From steel wool. |
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