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| Where do pianists go on holiday? |
To the Florida Keys. |
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| What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a shark? |
Lefty |
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| What do you call a kitten that eats too much? |
A fat cat. |
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| What's the difference between a football player and a duck? |
One's in a huddle; the other's in a puddle. |
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| What did the Princess say when her photos didn't arrive? |
'Someday my prints will come.' |
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| What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? |
A cast-a-net. |
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| It takes 12 one-cent stamps to make a dozen. How many six-cent stamps does it take to make a dozen? |
It takes 12 of anything to make a dozen, even six-cent stamps. |
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| What did the Priest say to the door salesman? |
'Nun for me.' |
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| Where did Albert Einstein keep his fish? |
In a think tank. |
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| The more you take, the more you leave behind - what is it? |
Footprints |
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| How many Rednecks does it take to eat a possum? |
Two - one to eat the possum and the other to watch for traffic. |
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| Golf pros agree it's the best way to get extra distance on your drives every time. |
Hit the ball and run backwards. |
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| How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? |
It depends on how thin you slice them. |
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| What do you call a necktie salesman who earns a million dollars? |
A tycoon. |
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| Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off a boat? |
If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. |
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| Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? |
Because it's easier to run with your kilt up than with your pants down. |
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| What do you call a train loaded with toffee? |
A chew chew train. |
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| What operation does a Doctor perform on himself? |
I Surgery. |
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| What's the hardest work some people do before breakfast? |
Getting up. |
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| What's the best way to avoid fallen arches? |
Get out of the way. |
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| What's the best way to carve wood? |
Whittle by whittle. |
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| When things seem to go wrong, what can you always count on? |
Your fingers. |
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| Which clock works best - the one that loses a minute a day, or the one that doesn't work at all? |
The one that doesn't work is best. It will always be correct twice a day, but
the one that loses a minute a day will not be correct again for 720 days
(losing 720 minutes or 12 hours). |
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| What coat is put on only when it is wet? |
A coat of paint. |
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| A man was found dead in a field of snow. The only tracks that were left were a set of footprints between two parallel lines. Who should the police be looking for? |
A man in a wheelchair. |
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| Will Smith gives someone a dollar. Will is this person's brother, but the person is not Will's brother. How can that be? |
It's Will's sister. |
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| What word contains all of the twenty six letters? |
Alphabet |
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| With the head of an elephant, and the tail of a monkey, my touch can be deadly if you're unlucky. I'm an excellent swimmer, but if you wet me I'll holler. And racing me would be pure folly. What am I? |
Electricity. |
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| The sun bakes them, the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, and the mouth tastes them. What are they? |
Grapes |
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| My second is performed by my first, and, it is thought, a thief by the marks of my whole might be caught. What am I? |
A footstep. |
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| Why are cowboys bad at math? |
They're always rounding things up. |
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| What do you call a man who does everything at top speed? |
Max |
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| Why are people always tired on the first of April? |
Because they've just finished the March of 31 days. |
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| What do wicked chickens lay? |
Deviled eggs. |
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| What happened to the Indian that had too much tea to drink one night? |
The next morning they found him dead in his tea pee. |
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| What do you call a jail for smart people? |
A brain cell. |
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| What do you call an empty skull? |
A no-brainer. |
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| Which drink is found in the alphabet? |
Tea |
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| How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? |
Just one - they don't like to share the spotlight. |
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| What is greater than God, more evil than Satan? The poor have it, the rich need it. And if you eat it, you'll die. What is it? |
Nothing. |
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| How did the puppy stop the DVD? |
He used paws. |
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| What's the North Wind's motto? |
Breezy come, breezy go. |
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| What's a 747's motto? |
"If at first you don't succeed, fly, fly again!" |
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| What's Pinocchio's motto? |
"No nose is good nose!" |
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| How do you warm up a room after it's been painted? |
Give it a second coat. |
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| Why are misers good math teachers? |
They know how to make every penny count. |
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| How can you make varnish disappear? |
Take out the letter 'r'. |
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| What can go over the water and through the water without getting wet? |
Sunlight. |
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| What do you call someone whose name was once Lee? |
Formerly |
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| What kind of running means walking? |
Running out of gas. |
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| Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish? |
In a seafood restaurant. |
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| Why was six unhappy? |
Because seven eight nine. |
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| What doesn't exist but has a name? |
Nothing |
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| How do you sell calendars? |
Day by day. |
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| What kind of bulbs don't need water? |
Light bulbs |
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| What can you drown in, but not get wet in? |
Quicksand |
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| What happens when a body is placed in water? |
The phone rings. |
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| When is a coin toss not a game of luck? |
Use an American penny and call heads. The penny is the only coin with the face of the same person (Lincoln) on both sides. |
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| How do amoebas talk to each other? |
By cell phone. |
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| What's the hardest part of grammar for criminals? |
The prison sentence. |
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| Why did the dolphin try to beach itself? |
It had no porpoise in life. |
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| What do high school graduates wipe their feet on? |
Diploma mats. |
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| What makes a goose different from other animals? |
Most animals grow up, but a goose grows down. |
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| What cup can't you drink from? |
A hiccup |
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| What bird is useful in boxing matches? |
Duck |
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| What do you call a bee born in May? |
A maybe. |
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| How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? |
One, but it takes at least three lightbulbs. |
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| What does a jigsaw puzzle eat? |
Piecemeal. |
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| What happens if you kiss a canary? |
You get chirpes, which can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease. |
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| What's the similarity between a tornado and an Alabama divorce? |
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. |
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| What's bigger when it's upside down? |
The number 6. |
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| What do you call the thick border around a house? |
A dense fence. |
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| Where do seahorses sleep at night? |
In barn-icles. |
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| What flowers do you send a Russian king? |
Czarnations |
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| What's the difference between the young and the old? |
The young don't know what to do, while the old can't do what they know. |
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| What does the sun do when it sets? |
Makes a night of it. |
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| Which fish can slide across ice? |
The skate. |
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| How did the escaped prisoner get rid of the bloodhounds that were trailing him? |
He threw a penny into the river, and they followed the cent. |
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| Why is a wedding ring like a tourniquet for a bachelor? |
It stops his circulation. |
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| What is the most dangerous candy in a candy shop? |
Spearmint |
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| What contains more feet in winter than in summer? |
A skating rink. |
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| Why was the artist arrested for graffiti? |
He had to draw the line somewhere! |
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| What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? |
Anyone can mash potatoes. |
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| What goes through a door but never goes in or out? |
A keyhole. |
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| When is a piece of wood like a queen? |
When it's made into a ruler. |
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| If there are ten flies on a table and you kill one, how many are left? |
One - the others will fly away. |
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| When police arrived at the scene of the crime, how did they know that the letters, not the numbers, were innocent? |
It just didn't add up. |
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| What does a burglar like in his soup? |
A safe cracker. |
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| What would you get if you crossed Bubba with the God of love? |
A stupid cupid. |
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| What kind of fruit did Noah take on the Ark? |
Pears. |
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| Why is duct tape like "The Force"? |
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
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| Why did the long-winded speaker need no introduction? |
All he needed was a conclusion. |
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| What shouldn't you ever share with your friends? |
Your cold. |
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| Do they have a fourth of July in England? |
Of course they do - July 4th occurs between July 3rd and July 5th. |
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| Who was the best financier in the Bible? |
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation. |
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| When is a sailor not a sailor? |
When he's aboard. |
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| Why can you only have ten matzos on Passover? |
Because you can't have 'leaven |
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| What does a dead battery cost? |
Nothing - it's free of charge |
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| What is a crazy pickle in Spring? |
A daffydill. |
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| What is an eavesdropper? |
An icicle. |
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